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Macedonia Joins the EU, Rivals Look on with Envy

In a spectacular reversal of fortunes, beleaguered Macedonia has been declared a full European Union member state, effective immediately. In an unprecedented act of solidarity, the bloc voted unanimously to pass the Bucherinska Act, to reward the year’s most obedient beggar state.

“As far as we’re concerned,” stated EU Enlargement Chief Ollie Rehn, “by carrying out every decision of its foreign, domestic and economic policies precisely as we ordered, with no regard for the opinion of its public, Macedonia proved itself eminently worthy of membership in our club. Let its inspired toadying and desperate public intimidation serve as an example to other aspiring states.”Rehn also singled out Macedonia for its determined approach to creating a viable multi-ethnic society. “The NGO sector proved very adept at utilizing our money for a wide variety of initiatives, projects, experts and programs. The word implementation was used sufficiently. All this was done in keeping with the spirit of EU norms and practices,” said the Enlargement Chief. “Macedonia has also shown that its various ethnicities can play together in the sandbox – right up there with the best kindergarteners in Europe.”

When asked how Macedonia could have so suddenly surged past more advanced candidates such as Bulgaria and Romania, not to mention aspiring candidates such as Croatia and Turkey, Rehn, EU Foreign Policy chief Javier Solana and Stability Pact chief Erhard Busek offered candid reflections.

“Turkey? Come on. We don’t need any more Muslims in Europe,” scoffed Solana. “And all our attempts to impose fiscal rationality there will continue to fail, so long as they keep drinking tea out of those tiny cups! It is very inefficient.”

Solana revealed at the same time that Kosovo will soon be paved over to make room for mega-malls and their requisite parking lots. “If the Albanians really love America as much as they claim, then they should be proud to sacrifice their homes and property for the world’s largest Wal-Mart. Besides, we can train them in democracy-building and send them off to Central Asia to finish off the revolutions we’ve started there.”

At the same time, Ollie Rehn dismissed the Romanian bid, admitting that the country’s lack of wars meant that the EU had forgotten exactly where it was.

As for Croatia, Rehn cited their failure to comply with the Hague, as well as the need for the European countries to adhere to a strategic initiative for the next few years. “First, we have to ensure a sufficient period of non-unionization so that every EU pensioner will have a crack at the Adriatic property market before it gets too expensive. There’s nothing worse than retirement on the North Sea, I can assure you” shuddered Rehn. “Besides, those Croats are even more arrogant than the French.”

However, the harshest criticism of all was reserved for the Bulgars. “How could we allow a cowboy state like Bulgaria into our union?” asked Busek. “In Sofia, I can’t even have an orange juice in a café without having to go through a metal detector. And when I come out, my car is gone! They tell me that they once stole the Mercedes of Arkan himself. What kind of respect for rule of law is that?”

Macedonian King Crvenkovski, already giddy over his country’s sudden ascent to greatness, rejoiced over the comment, taking it to mean that an imminent EU crackdown might make it possible for him to drive in Bulgaria again.

Speaking of Serbia, Busek at the same time iterated that every diplomat’s favorite punching bag would in fact never join the union, but be preserved as a sort of “reality park,” in which smoking, drunkenness, unemployment, turbo-folk and dangerous, outdated cars would be preserved forever. “This way,” he said, “Europeans will have a chance to enjoy, at least for a few days of vacation, the visceral thrill of what life used to be like before we opted for a nanny state of total comfort and regulation,” he said.

A similarly imaginative but still secret plan was in the works for Bosnia, affirmed outgoing US Ambassador to Macedonia Lawrence Butler, who is set to become the assistant to Bosnia Viceroy Paddy Ashdown. Butler was not shy to emphasize his role and that of the US government in getting the decision to pass: “of all the great things I have done while grand vizier of Macedonia, this has to top the list.”

In Butler’s assessment, “it was even better than the gay billboards. This decision reaffirms that the United States of America is always standing firm, right there behind Macedonia.” He denied that the US threat to bomb Brussels had anything to do with the EU’s decision.

As for the Greeks, who had threatened to hold up Macedonia’s bid indefinitely over the name issue, Prime Minister Costas Karamanlis waxed philosophic. “As they say in the movie, ‘there are two kinds of people in the world: those who are Greek, and those who wish they were Greek.’”

“So in the end, it doesn’t matter whether we recognize the Slavo-Macedonians and their country,” Karamanlis said. “Someday they, like Megas Alexandros before them, will come to their senses and realize it is better to be a Greek.”